You know that saying, the one that says that everyday is a new adventure? Well, it has officially been a week since I’ve actually had anything to do. And I’m so f***ing bored. I think that this may be the first couple of weeks in my entire academic life (not including kindergarten and pre_school) that I actually have nothing to do. I’m done with TOEFL tests, my recommendation letters are all at hand, the required documents are sealed and ready to go, application letters are all done and reviewed by Daddy dearest, resumes are sent out to all the companies I want to apply to, piano doesn’t start until next month. So I really have nothing left to do. Some people would probably enjoy and soak in the unintended vacation. Not me, I strive for something to do all the time. Even in between high school and college, I took up teaching English and travelling to aoid that moment of nothingness. Now, I can’t travel until next month, I’m not allowed to drive my own friggin’ car alone anywhere out of a designated radius, not allowed to travel by public transport, but not allowed to go out with friends either. The reason that keeps coming up: “You still have so many things to do at home, why do you need to go out?” Umm. Because I need a life!! Seriously I need to do something else than just hang around with my mom. I am slowly becoming manic and slipping into a pathetic state of depression and rebellion.

Suddenly I feel transported back to my junior and high school moments. When I would be so stressed with my parents telling me what to do that I started smoking, drinking, “experimenting”. You know that some shrinks say that being at home and surrounded by people that love you usually bring out the best in you. Hah! Dude, reality check. Being at home has always accentuated my bad habits to their peak. I stopped everything bad when I went away to college because I had the proper outlet I needed. That outlet is pretty simple, my freedom.

See, I’m beginning to feel a meltdown coming on. Last time this happened I ran away from home for a month. Didn’t exactly have my own money to support me that time. But now I actually have a degree that might make that easier. Surely somewhere in the food industry there is a place for tiny little me. Oh! Read the most amazing job opportunity in the paper today, Zara is looking for hire. Yea right. I’m not qualified to meet customers, especially stuck up girls that shop constantly at Zara and order around the sales person without respect. I’d probably yell at them in the end.

I’m actually living true to my blog name, never been free. I need a job ASAP so I can start having my own life. I have two life paths I’m eager to start:
1. Get a job, make enough money to move out and board somewhere, take my car into my own custody, and just start living alone.

2. Get accepted to a masters program somewhere out of the country, move there, study and work there, finish and continue work for a couple years, move back to move out of the house.

whew. Who knows right? Maybe by the time I actually accomplish all that, I will be at peace with my parents. After reading my entry again I really feel like I’m back to being a teenager. Rebellious and moody. SHIT!

What is alone? Is it a feeling? Is it a condition? I think it’s both. Sometimes you just feel it and other times it’s just the way things are. I thought my lonely days were over, especially now that I’m back home. Turns out I was so wrong about that. There was a time where my loneliness was almost a disease. I wouldn’t leave my room for 3 days straight. Just sat there on the bed watching endless TV series on live stream and just come out to go to the bathroom or get some food. That was verging on pathetic and I have climbed out of that dark ravine only to jump into a slightly lighter hole. I’m not trying to blame anyone, but I think something snapped my ability to communicate freely out of my system. Never have I been afraid of saying what I feel and stating what I want. Right now, saying what I want scares the shit out of me. Why? I have no effing idea. I think I’ve been trained to write but not say what it is I want. Which makes good communication a bit hard.

So I’m just gonna pour my soul out here. Where everyone can read, everyone can judge, and everyone can see just how dysfunctional I actually am. If you really want to lay it on me, comment. Please do, I need to find out who I am.

I’ve been living 2 different lives so far. Me, the strong headed girl that doesn’t give a shit what other people think. Me, the insecure girl who wants people to like her. Different in every sense of the word yet still the same person. Ever notice how I don’t have many close friends? Only my close friends will ever really see what I am. Both the strong headed yet insecure girl that doesn’t have a clue what she wants in life. The rest of the world sees the happy-go-lucky carefree me that goes about everything with ease. Seriously. If this is what you think I am, then you’re in for a surprise. Anyone that really knows me can say that I am a unique person. You won’t find someone that reacts to things quite like I do. I have a guy mentality when it comes to several things such as my rational way of thinking without involving too much heart. But I still can’t hide the girl that I am. I like to be pampered once in awhile, I hate it when I don’t get what I want, I like to be told that I’m loved, I feel insecure and sometimes I just need someone to hold on to. The last 4 years may have changed me from the independent girl I used to be, but deep down that’s who I am. I want to be that person again, I just have to get my thoughts together again for that to happen.

Sometimes just some time alone with my thoughts and some music can really clear the air. Music is my vessel, I express everything through music. I can always find appropriate songs to fit my mood. If I’m feeling happy, usually up tempo Black Eyed Peas and Lady Gaga are on my playlist. When I’m wallowing in self pity you can always find Boys II Men, Mariah Carey, and Brian McKnight. When I’m just feeling lonely all my girls are there for me, Colbie Caillat, Taylor Swift, Jennifer Hudson, Jordin Sparks, Kelly Clarkson. I also find comfort in words. Quotes from famous people, lyrics, poems, movies have that strange ability to describe exactly what I feel when I can’t put it into words.

That’s what has been bugging me lately. I haven’t been able to express what I feel in actual words. I can write them, but I can’t talk about them. I have this tendency to bottle everything up inside until the moment comes when I explode. Usually it’s a fit of tears and sometimes it’s just this need to yell on a rooftop. I’ve become someone that is actually afraid of what people might think about me if I tell them what I think about them. For instance, I have absolutely no idea why the one person I want to tell everything to is the exact same person that acts like he doesn’t care. I don’t want to seem whiny about it, I don’t want to seem like I’m asking for attention but it’s frustrating. I pour out my woes and he just shrugs it off like no big deal. I don’t have any close friends I can talk to either cause they’re all in some other town. You see? No wonder I explode sometimes.

Also I have this unattractive need to be convinced that I am not some loser. What is that called? Insecure? I guess so. For the past couple of years I’ve been convinced that I’m not good enough. That I have to change in order to be a better everything. I’ve always been told that I need to be more like this, more like that, but never have I been told that I’m fine the way I am. I’ve always been that girl that has her life planned by someone else. As hard as I try to plan it myself, it always gets pushed into what has been set. I’ve tried changing from the stupidly rebellious teenager I was in high school into some nice-stay at home-don’t have much of a social life-non drinker-non smoker-girl. Proved to be a complete failure was that test. Everyone was happy about that version except for me. And now, I feel like I have to change too. Not as drastic as before, and not completely beyond my realm of doing but still needs some effort. It’s especially hard when the other person doesn’t seem to want to change for you.

See, I can’t even describe properly and coherently about who I am. Isn’t that just great? I just want it to be clear. I need that clarity to find out who I am, and to search for that version of me that’s original. The one that is actually the best that I can be. I need a purpose, a calling if you might say, for this life. I just need some guidance and a loving hand to hold if I trip along the way.

I just think that before I help others, I should help myself. Before I try dragging someone out of they’re misery, I need to pull myself up to the surface. Or at least let us drag each other, be each others life jacket and swim safely back to life.

whoa. heavy stuff. if it doesn’t make much sense, then welcome to my brain!

Every once in awhile life throws you a curve ball, either you bat it away or you avoid it and strike out. This is one of those times for me. I thought that after graduating I could get a little time off to relax and cool down after all the buzz from studying non-stop for 16 years (whewww) but it turns out life wanted something different from me. I guess now is the time I fix myself, repair all the damage that has been done over the 4 years I’ve been away from home. Apparently my parents think that being away from college for 4 years has changed me into a different person from when I left and they keep trying to mold me back into the little girl that sent off to college in the first place. Isn’t that the whole point of going away from home? To experience new things and to find who I really am? I feel like I’m going to explode and turn back into the sullen teenager I was the last time they tried to mold me. I hate this feeling and I really wish I could just have my own life and live it as I please. I’ve always been the type of person that lives day by day, not much planning and not properly scheduled. At least that’s what I’ve been doing the past 4 years which is completely different to how my parents view life. It’s tiring when you have to plan every single second of everyday and I hate being tired! How can I get them to understand that I like the way I am now? It’s an impossible situation really, I can understand why they would want me to be as they “parented” me for my entire life. But on the other hand I find no harm in letting me be as I am. So you get why I feel so torn?

I have so much I want to do, but I keep biting nails with the parents about the things I want. Grad school applications can wait until next year (at least I want to have a bit of time before another round of school) and I really want to continue piano, vocal, cello lessons in the mean time. Get a care-free part time job at some place that doesn’t require too much effort and just take it easy. But no, I according to the grand plan set out for me I have to get a high profile job now that will pay off my expenses for grad school, set off for grad school ASAP and stay on this high strung path they have me on. I’ve always had an escape when I was still in college. When things started to get too much at home I’ve always had the promise of college to look forward too or at least some absurd assignment that requires me to be back on campus early. Now all that is just wishful thinking.

Have you ever felt that the world is moving at a different pace then you? Have you ever felt lost and confused? Please give me pointers on what to do next!! Don’t get me wrong I love my parents, and I do respect them but I just don’t want to live in their pace and in their expectations.

I can only hope and pray that I have the ability to bat a home run for this curve ball. I need all my strength to hold on to what I am and my dreams for my life.

Soundtrack of the day:

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can’t complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It’s only beginning to find release

The time has come for my dreams to heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all cause you won’t listen

Listen I am alone at the crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried to say what’s on my mind
You should have known, oh
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more then what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
And now I gotta find my own

You should have listened
There is someone here inside
Someone I thought had died so long ago
Oh I’m free now and my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own all cause you won’t listen

Listen I am alone at the crossroads
I’m not at home in my own home
And I’ve tried and tried to say what’s on my mind
You should have known, oh
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more then what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
And now I gotta find my own

I don’t know where I belong but I’ll be moving on
If you don’t
If you wont

Listen

To the song here in my heart
A melody I start but I will complete
Now I’m done believing you
You don’t know what I’m feeling
I’m more then what you made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me
But now I gotta find my own
My own

I think it’s been about a month since I’ve actually had a decent wink of sleep. I’m either up all night working on something or just sitting around reading a good novel with my ipod in hand. Last time I had decent sleep was before all the thesis stuff started, which is such a long long long time ago. To all those going through that phase, I wish you all the best. Now I’m basically up all the time!

So recently, I moved back home to Jakarta. Well, at least technically that’s the story but I’ve actually been spending most of my time in Bandung. I’ve just realized that the saying ‘Home is where the heart is’ is soooooo true!! I don’t think I feel like Jakarta is home anymore. I miss my life here, being able to do as I please and to follow my own pace.

Anyways, I’ve found some extremely good activities to do while being in this sleep deprived state. Besides the obvious activity that could be fun, I have some things that I do when I just can’t sleep.

1. Browsing the internet (stay away from internet porn though, those nasty sites have proven to bring on some equally nasty computer viruses).
Facebook is actually one of the most tempting and addictive sites there is. Just start playing some quiz or game and it will probably take about 4 hours of the time you’re awake. Besides being everything wrong about the internet nowadays, it is easily one of the most entertaining sites to waste time. Plurk and Twitter are also pretty interesting cause you get to see who else is up and sometimes you get cool links to other sites that you can waste time on. Blogging has also proved to be a relaxing way to spend your nights, as I am doing right now!
Things to be careful for are online shopping, and visiting shopping forums. I guarantee that those sites will leave with a big notch in your savings account! Been there, done that!!

2. Watching movies or tv series marathons
Get some old dvds or some endless tv serials (such as FRIENDS!! Best tv show everrr!!) and just keep watching. I’ve never been the type to fall asleep while watching a movie so this is actually my favorite method of spending my nights. Being the movie and tv buff that I am sometimes I can watch 5 dvd’s in one night!!

3. Cleaning up
This may be the worst advice ever, but when it’s really late at night and you really have nothing to do this method may be one of the most productive ways to spend it. Seriously will leave you looking forward to seeing the place again in the morning..

4. Calling or texting or chatting
I’ve actually been known to chat in my sleep. Not on the phone, but on IM. Being sleep deprived may actually lead to some interesting yet nice conversations.

5. Smoking a cig on the balcony while star-gazing
Preferably done with someone you like or even have a crush on. But if you’re along bring along your ipod and just stare into the nothingness of the night.

6. Late night snacking
Be careful of the extra fat that builds up after this one!

7. Reading a good novel
Currently I have read about 7 novels in the last 2 weeks cause I just can’t get enough of my books!!

Well now I’m all out of ideas to blog. TTYL!!

I guess I’ve been having a hard couple of months.. So it’s about time I bitch a little bit about it.. People with bad gag reflexes are suggested to divert your attention from this post..

1. My boyfriend has been out of the city for the last 5 months perhaps.. It sucks having a semi-long distance relationship.. Really we’re only a couple hours apart but his new workplace has some pretty strict rules about commuting and communicating with the outside world.. So far I’ve only been able to see him for 5 hours in the whole 2 months, I think..

2. I have this huge burden hanging over my head which is my final project – slash – paper – slash – thesis from hell! I’ve been working on this thing for almost 8 months and still errors are popping up all over the place! I gotta finish this one quick cause it’s due on 9th of this September.. Damn you 9-9-2009! Right smack on my best friend’s birthday too!

3. It’s because of no. 1&2, I don’t have anyone to vent to about my project! I don’t have anyone to ask questions about all the administration stuff either.. I’m so bad when it comes to my school administration needs..I suck at remembering dates and stuff..

4. My boyfriend isn’t here to cheer me up and take me out for breathers in between my lab hours.. I have to call up friends and find out what they’re doing and then ask nicely if they wanna hang out with me.. It kinda feels like I’m single all over again.. Except I can’t flirt with anyone!

5. I keep losing stuff around the house! Usually my BF (again..) is the one that can always find where I absurdly misplace my stuff.. But since he’s not here I can’t seem to find most of the stuff I need.. Like my library card, my laptop soft case, and my mouse pad! (Honey.. take the hint.. do you have any idea where those things are? ;p)

6. The weather is just freaky! One day it’s hot, the other it’s windy and cool.. No wonder I get the flu at the most random times! Being sick and working on a project is not the funnest of situations..

7. The last thing I hate about all this is, I think I might miss it when it’s all over and I’m unemployed & school-less too.. I love this life despite everything that’s going crazy in it.. Thank You God for helping me get through each and every day with a new lesson & a new experience.. Hopefully this all makes me a better person..